The one where I get really personal...

I now understand the definition of a "trigger." I mean, I understood the idea of it and why it happens, of course, but I can't say I've ever experienced it before.

When I first heard about Robin Williams I, like so many, had hoped it was fake. Then when I heard it was real I assumed it was another OD, which is sad but I can't it hits me the same way. Then I read he took his own life, which really bummed me out, but it was just that, feeling bummed. Then I read, as most people have by this point, the graphic details of his body when he was found...and I'm not really sure how to put into words how I felt after reading that. Let me put it this way, vivid suicidal thoughts are not something that is foreign to me unfortunately, and that's all I feel comfortable saying right now. So, knowing what he was going through and that state of mind is something I'm, unfortunately, very familiar with. Thinking about what was going through his head before he did that to himself has reopened some major wounds. Those feelings have come flooding back this week. Not that I'm having those types of thoughts too this week, please don't worry, this is not a cry for help, but the basic feeling I have when I'm in that state of mind has stopped by for a visit this week. That emptiness. I'm sure I'm not making any sense. Basically this has been a really long week and I'm completely exhausted. I think it's good people are at least talking about these issues but seeing him dragged through the mud has felt very personal for me too. It feels silly to have someone I've ever met affect me so damn much, but as another person who isn't "supposed to feel depressed" in the eyes of others, I kind of feel like it's a "one of us" situation. I feel defensive and protective of his situation.

I don't care if he was a celebrity, I don't care if he was my neighbor down the road, I don't care if he was my friend, I don't care if he was some random person I read about in the obituaries, I don't care if he was a family member - anyone who is hurting so fucking bad that they cut themselves and tie something around their neck with the intent of not seeing tomorrow, doesn't need anyone's God damned judgement.  Neither does the surviving family.  You don't need to understand why people do it.  For those lucky enough to have never experienced clinical depression or been close to someone who has, I get why it's hard to understand. It really doesn't make much sense. You don't even necessarily need to "feel sorry" for someone who does it...but you certainly don't need to judge them.  It doesn't help anything and only makes it harder for others to speak up.  I'm saying this from experience.

Of course I wish he had reached out for help rather than take the route he did, but when you don't feel comfortable talking about those problems because you've been made to feel ashamed, it's hard to remember what your other options are when you're in that depression fog.

I will admit it that I don't like it when people use phrases like "he's better off" or "he's free" and stuff like that.  I understand why people say those things, but please don't act like suicide is some sort of sweet release from pain. It's not. Hearing stuff like that when you're in that frame of mind makes suicide sound like the solution to those problems.  It's not.

I don't what my motive is for writing this. I guess I want people who have felt the same way to know they're not alone...even though I've done an awful job trying to explain those feelings. I want the people who have criticized him to think before they judge him or anyone is that situation.  Like I said in a previous Facebook post, I'm not saying we all need to sit in a circle and hug each other.  I'm not trying to have a bleeding heart for others, in fact I think a lot of people are bastards, but I do try to be mindful that everyone is fighting some sort of battle...some worse than others, yes...but we're not all built the same and who am I to decide the hierarchy of others problems?

I wanted to write more but I'm tired and I've put enough of myself out there for one week.  One last thing before I call it a night - depression and suicide are getting the spotlight but remember there are lots of things people have to deal with.  OCD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, eating disorders, and on and on.  They all need the stigma removed and they all need to be talked about!  How about we start now?